The new corporate conglomerate is a very scared body. So traumatised are they by the very people that they try to serve and save that they don’t know anymore how to get up in the morning and breathe without pissing off some activist, a minority community, or an endangered species of a rare marsupial. What started as America’s favourite past time – suing someone over something they did or didn’t do, suing someone else who thought that this idea was silly to begin with and then going and suing the entire legal system just to keep things animated – has now definitely blown out of proportions.
Everything that companies do nowadays is nothing but a new way to shield themselves from the spears of society. Sure enough they do some illegal things, bend some rules, make a few new ones. But remember, they also light up your houses, provide you cars and generally everything that you need or interact with – all is linked to big companies. And they don’t ask for your children as slaves in return. Maybe in China they do. Elsewhere, they wait for you to spend all your savings on their post-graduate Ivy-league MBA, post which they ‘recruit’ them as willing slaves. But you have to admit that with that kinda’ pay on the table few would refuse to sell their soul, or take out a second mortgage on it. Let’s analyse this. Companies, I am sure, would love to indulge in charity all their lives. In fact, statistics show that charity is best done from corner offices with glass walls overlooking entire metropolis. Sadly though, such a business won’t be anywhere near sustainable. Charity, let’s face it, is merely an excuse for a failed business plan. Nobody comes and leaves me money in my letterbox even though I uphold my promise to provide live entertainment every evening on my balcony. I haven’t received any financial hints to either encourage or terminate my offer. But that’s an entirely different session for an entirely different couch. So, back to the point, in typical corporate style, companies have gone and drafted the simple yet effective CYA policies. CYA, short for Cover Your Ass(ets), is the sharpest tool in the multinational incorporated shed to combat the trivialities of their everyday existence called society and the social cause. For e.g. a party for the employees of a company had an entry card with two stubs attached that could be exchanged for two alcoholic drinks. Have a third drink and you are paying for it. How strange for an office Christmas party you would think? Not really. Not since someone got wasted and smashed his car and presumably empty skull and then sued his boss for getting him drunk at the office get-together! I am sure that it won’t be long before we receive wedding invitations with a drink limit of two per person. They may even limit the food intake lest we sue on grounds of indigestion or cholesterol! A friend who recently purchased a DIY kit saw that the statutory warning was longer than the instructions to assemble the model aircraft itself! Why, because some fool had probably splintered himself gluing the thing together and sued the company over it. The CYA manifests itself in several such odd ways even in our everyday lives. We just don’t notice them. Signs marking out “wet floor”, “air-conditioned”, “No Parking” and “Rights to admission Reserved” are all ways for companies to protect themselves from another law suit being flung their way. It seems a livelihood with many, to go and find loopholes and then find someone to push through them. It is lamentably pitiful when everything comes with foolproof packaging and more instructions than a tablet to found a new civilisation! So brace yourself people, because the madness has just begun. The reason why the CYA is here to stay is mainly this: as humanity is evolving and bringing out a smarter breed of scientists and engineers, the general population is growing dumber by the minute. We may soon need directions to do the darnedest of things – brushing our teeth, using a toothpick, parking a car …walking in a straight line!? Actually, this idea (especially the directions on how to use a toothpick on the toothpick covering sheath, was already questioned by the Super-God, the Late Douglas Adams.) Don’t even think of suing the papers for my columns, or my site for this blog. As for the people who write for, they have people who have people who have CYAs. And those CYAs all have clearly marked somewhere that if you wish to sue, go suck a dry lemon and expect more juice out of it. In short, very soon you will need your own CYA. If you have done anything today which could classify as an attempt to exist, a CYA may soon become your only reliable life-support system. My offer then, is this. I will write you a CYA, for a modest fee (or a Porsche, as you can afford), that suits your needs. It may not match the lining of your evening suit but it will definitely fit snugly. It will protect you from everything harmful, just like an evil-eye, except in print. But if it doesn’t, and unforeseen losses befall you, please read my personal mailing CYA before coming after me. I am reproducing it here for your future benefit.
Some Sorta’ CYA Disclaimer!
If you are reading this mail, then that is because you were an intended recipient, unless of course you hacked into your boss’s/lover’s account to spy on him/her/it, you pervert! The information contained and transmitted by means of this email is not exactly intended for public dissemination but it isn’t Level A Classified dope either. Copying, distributing, imitating and publicly praising are not only permitted but in most cases, encouraged. Opinions expressed are those of the author, id em, moi, unless you happen to not agree with them, in which case they are not necessarily my views. Either ways, do waste a good part of your day writing me of your ire at length; I promise you I will waste no time in attending to it. I did scan the mail for viruses but between all the porn that other people surf on my personal laptop and trying to settle for pirated semi-outdated versions of the cheapest virus scanners on the market, I can’t guarantee anything. If you have a virus scanner, now would be a good time to see whether you spent your daddy’s money well. Internet is truly God but delays may still happen, like the time I got drunk and thought I had sent the email but didn’t even own a computer. What I am trying to say is, don’t put all your eggs in a modem. For most parts this is my CYA and by this I mean that anything you feel is wrong or incorrect about the style of this email or the information contained within, well no point trying to drag me to court over it! I am mostly honest but don’t expect any more. I have no qualms, fewer morals, and an extremely vague idea of which is which.